Who Should Try Relationship Coaching?

Who Should Try Relationship Coaching



Relationship Coaching isn’t just for couples who fuss and fight all the time or those who have dealt with an affair.  Coaching is so focused on the future health of the relationship, that it is often very beneficial to go even when the problems in the relationship don’t seem that bad.  Anything that is a small problem today has the potential to be a huge problem down the road and Relationship Coaching can address these minor issues in order to figure out healthier ways to cope.  Also, many couples become very complacent with each other as fast as 6 months after meeting and this complacency can lead to resentment in one or both partners due to no longer having the same level of passion and exterior love in the relationship.  A lot of individuals don’t have the words to explain to their partners what they’re needing from them, and this lack of appropriate communication is what causes “nagging” and cyclical arguments.  A Relationship Coach is able to recognize these needs and help put them into words and move forward in a much healthier, happier way.  Because Coaching doesn’t require couples to come every week for months and months, a couple might come 2-3 times and not come back again unless there is another issue that comes up in the future, making it more affordable and convenient than what many expect from traditional couples counseling.

Importance of Premarital Relationship Work

Importance of Premarital Relationship


Why do couples do premarital relationship work and why is it so important?  In a lot of cases people just want to save $60 on their marriage license.  Some couples do it because the minister said they had to have it in order to marry them.  Some people want to know that they are prepared for marriage.  Some people realize they have issues that need to be fixed before walking down the aisle. In any case, premarital relationship work is always a good idea and it often becomes an eye-opening experience.  Premarital should not just focus on who the couple is now, but more so on who they could potentially become and the problems that could possibly arise over the years.  People are not meant to stay the same; change is inevitable, however, it is this change that causes so many problems in relationships.  One person goes one way and often times the other person goes the opposite direction.  Premarital relationship work should proactively address how to deal with these changes in the future in a healthy manner.  By having a plan for the future and being aware of possible issues, couples can deal with these things by communicating and working towards a solution instead of simply becoming resentful and becoming distant from one another.  Premarital work should address expectations of marriage, compatibility, communication, conflict resolution, intimacy, finances, and long term goals.  If all of these are addressed, couples can rest assured that they are prepared to go into the biggest decision of their lives.



How do I keep my fiancé from ruining my financial status after we combine our finances?


I have my finances completely in order and my fiance is the exact opposite.  How do I keep him from ruining my financial status after we combine our finances?  

Financial problems in marriages is considered the largest reason for divorce, which means that it’s good you’re getting a grasp on this now!  There is no rule that says you MUST combine your finances, so if you and your fiance can agree upon keeping things mostly separate for the first year to see if he can get his finances on track, just do that.  A very easy way to work the combined expenses and keep tabs on the money going out is to get a joint credit card that is used ONLY for these joint, agreed upon expenses.  He can write you a check at the end of the month for his half or other portion.  You can still separately pay your car payments, student loans, etc.  The mortgage and the rent can also be taken care of once a month by him writing you a check for his portion.  This way your name is not getting tainted by his lack of financial responsibility and quite possibly you will be helping his credit at the same time.  Now, if he doesn’t agree to this separation of the marital funds, then it’s time for Plan B.  This one isn’t so simplistic and requires you balancing being a wife and the financial disciplinarian in the relationship, which takes practice and patience.  You have to be very careful not to come across as his other mother, because that rarely goes over well with a man.  They like to be in control and it hurts their egos when you attempt to take that control away from them.  I would recommend that you set up a system prior to your wedding day so that it doesn’t feel to him like everything changed after the wedding.  Start having weekly or bi-weekly meetings to discuss your all’s financial situation so he you all can begin to get on the same page when it comes to this important topic.  These meetings would involve developing a budget, developing a plan to stay on budget, reviewing bank statements and bills, and long-term planning for large purchases.  A lot of men tend to think that debit cards are like a never-ending stream of money and have no idea how much they spend every month.  For these kinds of guys, develop a budget that allows for a planned amount of spending money each week and get that amount of cash out of the bank and have him leave the debit card at home.  This way he can’t go over his budget without asking for more cash or stealing his debit card back.  Again, you can’t allow this to become an issue of distrust and “Second Mother Syndrome” because that will surely wreck your finances and your relationship one bill at a time.  Anything you ask of him should be done by you as well to foster a feeling of mutual respect and partnership.  If the problems consist, consulting with a financial planner could be highly beneficial to your wallets as well as your relationship.  


Phones and social media are killing couples every single day.  Some recent studies have found that there are many people who would choose to give up sex for a week before they would give up their phones.  If you have a phone in your hand, you aren’t able to focus 100% of your attention to your partner or anyone else for that matter.  There are few things that I find more annoying than when I’m in a session with a floundering couple who have come to me asking for help and one of their phones keep ringing or going off and they check it every time and even answer it.  This is a big red flag to me that this person is not invested in these sessions or the relationship and has no real desire to change any of their own behaviors.  What does it say to the partner?  It says the exact same thing, which is absolutely heart-breaking to me when I see the deflated look come across that one’s face when these things happen.  I know you’re probably thinking, “There’s no way this girl has never put her phone in front of her partner!”   You’re absolutely right, because I am human, but I also try to make sure he understands exactly why the phone call or text is important to me at that moment and apologize for allowing it to interfere with our quality time together.  Look at it this way, if you were in the middle of closing a huge deal with a customer at work and you knew that it was going to gain you tons of money and success, would you be texting or answering your phone when it rings?   My guess is you answered “no” to that question because most people don’t want to do anything that could possibly jeopardize a good opportunity with a customer or client.  Well, look at your relationship as a huge business deal that could go down the toilet at any given moment because of your inattentive behavior and lack of concern regarding their feelings and needs.  If you want your relationship to be healthy and strong, make it a point to leave your phones in another room or in your purse when you all are eating dinner, watching a movie or TV together, having family and friends over, out at a restaurant, and even in the car together.  Now, this isn’t going to be easy to make this change for either of you, but to start this new trend, talk to your partner about how you think that it could help build a better core to your relationship if you all paid a little bit more undivided attention to each other and you feel like this could be a good way to do that.  Admit that you’ve noticed that you play, talk, and/or text on your phone when you should be paying attention to him and you don’t want that to destroy your all’s relationship as it has many others’.  Tell your partner how important he is to you and how much making this change means to you.  This one minor change can make a huge difference in the quality of time you all spend together.  If executed appropriately, you can expect to see more depth to your conversations, stronger feelings of intimacy, and more patience and understanding from one another.


The Whys

Ladies, men can’t read our minds!  We tend to think that just because we said something that they actually heard us and understood us.  This would be great if it was true, but it absolutely isn’t.  They might hear us, but not understand us, which can be way worse than them not hearing us at all, because our message either gets lost or completely misinterpreted.

In my practice, I hear women say every day that she said this or that and the man will look at her with a blank stare and say, “Yeah, so?”  When I turn to the man and say, “What does what she just said mean to you?” it is almost guaranteed that his response will be drastically different from what the woman was actually meaning.  If you simply say to a man, “I need you to start calling me when you leave the bar” he might think you are just trying to keep tabs on him while in reality you need him home sooner because you worry yourself to death until he arrives home.  If you don’t give the why or reason behind your need, the other person will automatically fill in that blank with something that may or may not be accurate.  So in this case you could say, “Sweetie, I really need you to give me a call or text when you’re leaving the bar or planning on staying later than expected, because I wake up at 1am and think you’re dead in a ditch, worry myself sick, can’t sleep, and then wake up the next day feeling horrible.  I don’t mind if you’re out late at all.  I just need you to communicate with me so I don’t worry so much.”  Always try to use, “I need _____, because _______.”  If you do this, you’ll leave much less room for miscommunication and misinterpretation.  Now, if you do all of this and he’s still confused or appears to be dismissing you, ask him if he understood you or ask him to explain how he understood what you just said.  If he did misunderstand something, you’ll now have the opportunity to try giving the why again in a different way that might make a little more sense to him.  However, if you never ask if he understood or what he exactly what he understood, you’ll assume he got the message loud and clear.  The next time that incident occurs, you’ll be upset and think he is actively defying your needs while, in actuality, he thinks he is doing exactly what you wanted.


My fiance wants to get a prenuptial agreement. I feel like that’s basically saying, “Hey, I don’t plan on this being a permanent thing.” What should I do?

If you had asked me this question a while back, I would have been by your side ready to fight your fiance, but recently I’ve learned that prenuptials aren’t always about planning for divorce.  They can actually be highly beneficial in some situations.  If you were to come into the relationship with a large amount of money or assets, having a prenup can secure that money as your own if something were to happen and your spouse got sued or acquired a large amount of debt in his name.  If you are to have children, these agreements can also lay the groundwork for your will/trust/estate, which would protect money from creditors of your spouse for the benefit of your children.  Also, prenuptial agreements aren’t completely binding, so you could always decide later to commingle funds from your separate estate into the marital accounts.  And, finally, as horrible as it is to think about and realistically speaking, with divorce rates hovering around 50%, it can save you a lot of money in legal fees should you decide to get divorced down the road.  So to answer your original question, simply probe your fiance for his rationale behind getting a prenup.  If he doesn’t seem to have a very good reason, maybe look into professional help that could solidify the relationship before sending out the invitations to the wedding.  On the other hand, if he seems to have a logical explanation, go ahead and consult with a family law attorney for more advice to determine if it does actually make sense for the two of you to enter into a prenuptial agreement.

My fiancé is a “mamma’s boy.” How do I break him of always agreeing with his mother and always having to please her!?

Ewwww…that’s a hard one.  This answer could go on and on for days, because every mother/son relationship is so different, but so similar at the same time.  This issue will likely never go away completely as it seems to be the bond between most mothers and sons is unbreakable.  You have to set your boundary as his WIFE and not as his second mother in the very beginning.  You and his mother will have two very separate roles in his life, which will also consist of two very different opinions.  She will always cook his favorite meals and iron his shirts his favorite way.  That’s alright, because you do all kinds of new things for him that she has never done and he likes those too.  If it comes down to him actually putting her needs and feelings before your own, professional help is highly recommended to squash that before it squashes the marriage.  

My fiancé and I are waiting until we are married to have sex. I am nervous about our wedding night. Why am I nervous and what can I do to calm my nerves?

The best thing to calm the nerves for anyone is to be prepared!  Don’t let your friends talk you into taking a nerve pill because I can assure you that won’t make for a very fun night.  The first time you do anything is intimidating, right?  Riding a bike, going to Kindergarten, working out at a new gym, kissing a boy, I could go on for days.  This is just another first and it should be a little nerve-racking which increases the excitement and makes your adrenalin rush.  The first thing you need to understand is that sex is NOTHING like the movies!  You don’t roll around on top of each other with the sheets perfectly covering you and then stand up still wrapped in the sheet with perfect hair and makeup.  The first time will be slightly awkward so you might want to talk to your fiance beforehand about your nerves.  This alone should help you feel more comfortable and I’d say he will too.  If you all have experimented with foreplay before your wedding night, I would recommend that you start off with that same stuff that you are both used to in order to ease into the act.  Remember, he’s going to be just as nervous as you and most guys aren’t going to prepare themselves, so you’ll probably have to take the lead on these things.  If he tries to move too fast into sex, just gently slow him down.  I’m sure he’ll appreciate it later!  

Our relationship has become predictable and mundane. I love my fiance, but I want our relationship to be more exciting! What do I do?

The first thing you do is accept that he isn’t going to be the one to make it more exciting and realize the task is likely going to fall onto your shoulders.  It’s not that he wants it to be mundane by any means, men just typically aren’t the ones that see a need for change in a relationship unless it has to do with the bedroom acrobatics or your cooking.  The second thing you do is figure out what it is that you want to be more exciting and less predictable.  Is it that you want to go more places, try new things in the sack, or start a hobby together?  Sit down and create a list of things you would like to do.  This could take days to finish and that’s fine.  The more, the better!  After you’ve determined exactly what it is in your all’s relationship that you want to be more exciting and you’ve compiled your list, then it’s time to share this with him.  I strongly suggest that you choose a time to have this conversation when he has no access to the TV or his phone so he’ll actually give you his full attention and not be distracted by ESPN or that friend that seems to always call or text right in the middle of the important stuff.  Tell your fiance that you’ve been doing some reading and found out that monotony is one of the biggest killers of marriages and you don’t want the two you to be just another statistic.  Share your list with him and ask for his input and ideas.  After the list is finished, number each item in the order that you all plan to complete it.  Make a decision on how many of these you plan to carry out each week, month, or year in order to stay on a schedule, which will lead to better follow through.  Once this is all complete, it’s all about holding each other accountable for carrying out the items on the list together.

Quick Tip:  If you’re not the two most creative people in the world, get a school coupon book and start working through it from A-Z.  There are tons of different restaurants and places to go so you should have more than enough to choose from and you’ll save money at the same time that can be used for the wedding.  

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